Ruff! Ruff Ruff Ruff!

Dog is sad. This amuses me.

Between my job, my horrific real estate transaction, and the trolls, I think I'm losing my faith in humankind.

Thank you Jesus!

I like to think of myself as a generally optimistic person.

Ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Hold on. Gonna need a second here. Okay, breathe... And I'm good.

Oh man. Does she read the stuff she churns out?

I give people the benefit of the doubt.

Except Realtors. Or "Mortgage Monkeys". Or pretty much anyone at her shitty new job. Or her crazy crack addict brother. Or people who give her shitty wedding gifts.

I'll stop now.

Every day, every single day, I see the bad in people.

Everyone who reads her blog, in unison: WE KNOW

I see people suffering at the hands of others.

That happens every time someone reads her blog.

But it's hard for me to wrap my head around nastiness in mean people.

Once again, we have the woe is me routine from Dog. Look how bad I have it! I have such a shitty job! Everyone's out to screw me! Boo Hoo! Wait for the inevitable follow up post about how awesome she is.

And here it is!

I don't know what is happening to me at my job.

You don't? Wouldn't you have a pretty good idea, considering you work there and all?

It is changing my whole perspective.

It must be changing the part of her perspective that isn't whiny and bitchy.

Sometimes I'm not even sure I live in the same world anymore.

Pretty sure you do.

I don't get paid enough to deal with this.

Neither do I, yet I'm still here.

Nelson's alter ego: Actually moron, you get paid nothing.

Why is my alter ego such an asshole? Oh, wait...

I don't think I can ever get my optimistic innocence back.

Dog had optimistic innocence? Really?

Even Guys From Latvia Can Have Stupid Blogs

Latvia.

According to wikipedia, Latvia is famous for being Russia's bitch, being the Soviet Union's bitch, and, uh, producing such great hockey players as Arturs Irbe and Sandis Ozolinsh. Okay, they're not very good. Latvia doesn't have a whole lot going for it. Do you really have to steal their thunder?

Great news though Latvians! You have a personal finance/inspirational blog that is going to make you forget about all those times you got crushed by an invading force. I don't even know why I'm announcing it to you guys. You probably know all about it. His name is Armands, and he is fucking nailing it. I mean, it just doesn't get any better than this post about watching the news. I'm going to try to make fun of it, but probably fail fucking miserably. It's just that good.

(I ran that last paragraph through the Sarcasm Detector 3000 (TM). It just exploded.)

I can’t see no normal reason why people should watch news.

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know! (Raises hand and waves it just like that keener everyone hated in high school)

People like to stay informed. There's been some pretty cool shit that's happened over the years. There's also been tales of unimaginable human tragedy. We've seen technology change the world, banks literally collapsing, plus countless other amazing stories. As the saying goes, "You can't make shit like this up."

If someone is informed about what's going on in the world, they can make adjustments in their lives. Heard about the Swine Flu? Sure, it's probably overblown, but who wouldn't want to know about a potentially lethal disease that's making the rounds?

What’s interesting there?

Anyone who watched the coverage during and immediately after the September 11th terrorist attacks can answer that question. We were all glued to our sets. That event was probably the most influential day since the Berlin Wall fell. What's interesting there? How about fucking everything?

Remember, when you were a kid you hated news.

I also hated girls. Now? Fucking love em. Can't get enough. Have you seen Jessica Alba? Holy fuck.

Also hated vegetables on my pizza, didn't really care for music, and was a really quiet kid who was actually too shy to ask the teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so he pissed his pants. Twice. This really happened.

Using hating something as a kid as a reason for not doing anything is pretty fucking stupid.

You see, when it is on evening news it is already history.

Maybe on shitty Latvian news. Here in North America, the news tells you what's going to happen the next day. Why don't more people use this information to their advantage? We like to be surprised, okay? We also ride around in hover cars, and have sex with whoever we want, whenever we want. Masturbation? What the fuck is that? Take that, fucking Latvia.

Argentina defaulted.

Your first example happened 7 fucking years ago! Are you guys just hearing about that?

10 000 people died.

Nobody wants to hear about that. Fuck em. Nobody liked those people anyway. Not even their moms.

Stock market went down like never before.

I don't even know why we even have the stock market. It's clear nobody gives a shit about it.

So? What’s the difference you know it or not?

Being informed is for fucking dumbasses! Really smart people know that the less you know, the better off you are.

Are you going to bring Argentina’s economy back, raise 10 000 people from the dead or somehow make the prices in NYSE go up bu [sic] watching TV?

Not just by watching tv. I also plan to send some sternly worded letters.

It just doesn’t matter anymore. It’s history.

Once shit has already happened, it doesn't matter anymore. Stop thinking about it completely.

I don't care if your Grandpa died. Doesn't fucking matter. The future is all that matters! Fuck the past!

And who makes your future? It’s YOU, not these guys in the news. They are not going to make you a million bucks. It’s either you, or no one.

Not going to make you a million bucks? Where the fuck did that come from?

Man vs. Debt! The battle of the Century!

My money is on debt, even though man is a huge favorite. I've got a good feeling about debt!

Regular reader Howard recently pointed me to a Simple Dollaresque (shut up, it's a word) frugal douche, who writes at Man vs. Debt. It's chock full of the usual frugal bullshit, until I found this diamond in the rough.

Yep, it's about peeing in the shower.

Peeing. In. The. Fucking. Shower.

Let's do this shit!

Welcome The Simple Dollar fans! Don’t forget to subscribe by RSS or E-mail while here!

This might be the worst thing he could have possibly started with. He could have said "I love ripping off otters' heads and fucking their necks", and I would probably hate him less than I do now. Nice start.

There’s a viral television ad campaign going on in Brazil right now. It’s the brainchild of SOS Mata Atlantica, a non-profit organization with the mission of preserving Brazil’s amazing rainforests.

Forgive me for sounding like a heartless prick, but I don't give two shits about Brazil's fucking rainforests. The only people who do are granola eating hippies who do stupid bullshit like chaining themselves to trees. Don't they realize we're all laughing at them?

Here’s the gist: Pee in the Shower… Save the Atlantic Rainforest.

As an aside, I once had a conversation with an ex-girlfriend, her sister and her Mom about peeing in the shower. And it turns out that I was the only one who hadn't done it. I was a shower virgin, so to speak. Nobody else seemed to have a problem with it. But, that family was fucking weird, so take that story with a grain of salt.

Anyway, peeing in the shower is fucking gross. You're peeing where you're standing. You're standing in your own pee. I don't care if the water is washing it down the drain. Some of it is still fucking there. I don't know about you, but I try to avoid pissing on myself. That's what separates us from the animals.

No really, they even broke down the numbers (1,157 gallons/year for each household)

When you stop to think about the numbers, they're really bullshit. The average toilet takes 1.6 gallons of water to flush. The average showerhead pumps out about 2.5 gallons a minute. That means that the same amount of water (1.6 gallons) is used in about 38.4 seconds (.64/60).

Time yourself next time you take your morning leak. I bet it takes about 38 seconds, including shaking. And if you commit to taking your morning piss in the shower, I bet the shower is going to be more than 38 seconds longer than usual, since you're going to be adding to your routine. Plus, if you're anything like me, you're probably going to make extra sure all the pee is washed down the drain before you get back to washing.

It’s so good, I actually just got done peeing in the shower for fun

And while we're at it, why don't we take a shit in the sink and puke in each other mouths?

The whole point of the post is supposed to be about resourcefulness. And I guess I can sort of see the point. Saying that, using pissing in the shower is a pretty fucking stupid example, especially when there are literally thousands of actual cool ideas out there.

Also, somebody remind Dog to buy some fucking toilet paper. Pretty soon, she's going to have to start wiping with all that extra cash they have kicking around.

Cool Shit!

There's some cool shit going on at No Communism!

Okay, not really. There's just stuff.

I'm now signed up on the twitter. Follow me at nocommunismblog. It'll be like here, but with even more cursing. I'll use it to tell you guys when new posts are up, or random thoughts about shit, and even the occasional bitching out of something that deserves it.

I also have a new email address for the thousands of hot chicks who like to send me topless pics. It's nocommunismblog@gmail.com. Some other fucker already had nocommunism, so that's what I was stuck with.

I might even try to post more often. I wouldn't hold your breath though.

That's about it. If you're feeling generous, go give Dog a couple of bucks. She needs it.

Fuck You Bing

For shits and giggles, I decided to do a search for "no communism" on Bing, Microsoft's new search engine.

And for the first 50 pages of search results, I did not get a single result that led me to this blog.

For that, I'd like to give Bing the first of many No Communism Fuck You (TM) Awards!

Instead of a trophy, Bill Gates will get a kick in the nuts. Enjoy your prize, jackass.

What Do Trolls Eat?

Probably angry chicken.

I promised, so I'll deliver. Turns out Dog doesn't like people who don't like her very much.

I kinda figured this post was coming. Dog's commenters have been extra awesome lately, (especially Howard!) and we all knew Dog wouldn't just take it lying down. So here we go!

I usually try not to feed the trolls

(Ralph Wiggum voice) Trolls live under a bridge!

but I feel like I have to because they've been really bad lately. Published or not.

This is the closest thing I'm going to get to a shout out from Dog. I guess I better take it. Thanks Dog! Want to hang out this weekend?

Maybe it's my new job where I spend every ounce of emotional energy dealing with real problems, you know, the kind of stuff that makes this whole blog seem like little stuff.

You notice that no matter which job Dog has, it kicks ass? At her previous job, she made shit tones of money. At this one, what she does is super important. I just thought of a question:

How does Dog go from an accounting job to, like, counselling crack heads? Those aren't really compatible career paths. Apparently Dog's job is the only one that deals with real problems. Take that, fucking Obama!

So when I see some a-hole

Just say asshole. We're all adults here.

Actually, just say "that guy from No Communism". People are well aware of my assholish tendencies.

attacking me just to make me feel bad (or them feel better?), I don't get it.

Dog, listen closely, because I'm only going to say this one more time:

We don't attack you because we have nothing better to do, or to make ourselves feel better, or even because we're angry because we haven't been laid in a while. The reason for the attacks is because you are a whiny, stuck up, annoying bitch. We all think you're a terrible person.

I'm sure we all have people in real life that we'd like to say mean things to, but we don't because we're pussies. So we say it semi-anonymously on the internet. I'd agree that perhaps this isn't the best thing, but, frankly, it kind of comes with the fucking territory.

I understood the haters in the past, when I was some sort of hot shot to envy and hate or whatever

This is exactly why people hate Dog! She labels herself as a hot shot. Seriously, who the fuck does that?

She's so awesome that people hate her because she's so awesome. For those of you out there who are a little slow, that makes her pretty fucking awesome.

Apparently she's kind of a big deal.

But now, well, with my job, our luck in house-hunting, and my brother, it's not exactly like it used to be.

The sheer speed that she goes from being stuck up to the woe is me bullshit is staggering. If they were two sides of a tennis match, you'd fuck your neck up good watching it. And afterwards, Serena Williams would threaten to stuff the ball down your throat. (Almost topical!)

In my new job, I feel like the last thing I need to do is attract negative energy. It just feels like a stupid waste of time. If that's what blogging is, well, I don't know. So, trolls, WTF?

Negative energy? You think the blog is attracting negative energy, or Dog's bitchy self centered attitude?

Did I see a hint there that Dog is going to quit blogging? On the one hand, that would be pretty fucking awesome and pretty much the pinnacle of my entire life. On the other hand, where would I get material from? All the Simple Dollar ever talks about anymore is cooking.

Speaking of the Simple Douche, I should probably make fun of that guy again.

So Dog, here's the deal. When somebody writes posts calling people idiots, they can't really complain when someone does it back to them. So kindly shut the fuck up.