Caninius Bitchius

It's time for more Dog Ate My Finances, bitches!

In this week's episode, the Dog's are trying to buy a house. Things aren't exactly going to plan, which is causing Dog to be even more bitter than usual. I've linked to the comments, mostly because all of her readers clearly hate her. This amuses me.

We canceled the contract and fired our realtor.

Dog's solution to everything is to fire people. She went through about 4 mortgage agents and approximately 2,258 realtors. She also hired and fired 6.2 million home inspectors, 3,712 lawyers, and 9 kids at the local Dairy Queen, just for shits and giggles. Then she took out her anger on some really cute baby seals and clubbed the shit out of them. There were no survivors.

As of right now, we get our earnest money back. We lose our $100 option fee to the seller and the $500 inspection fee.

For those of you not following this saga with all of your attention, (and how can you not!?!?!?!?) the Dog's put an offer on a house that failed the home inspection pretty miserably. So she's bitching about not getting the fee back. Even though that's the whole fucking point of an inspection.

The inspection saved potentially tens of thousands of dollars in repairs. All for the low, low cost of $500. Seems like a pretty fucking good deal to me. If the house was perfect, would you ask for the money back? Think about the bullshit of the whole argument for a second.

I'm pissed off. $600 because that bitch lied to us???!!! $600!!??!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????>>>>>><<<<>>><,,.,./,.,./,./,/,/.,/.,/.!!111!!1!1!!!!11111!

(Yeah, that's right. A punctuation joke. Fuck you. It's funny.)

Dog is trying to say that the owner knew their house was a shithole. This may very well be true. But there is no way to prove it. Which is why one would hire the FUCKING HOME INSPECTOR IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Part of me wants to have the seller's realtor's license pulled.

Part of me wants Dog to not have a blog anymore. Okay, it's actually all of me.

I want to call the city on every code violation.

I want Taylor Swift to suck me off.

What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. But she sure is hot.

I want a complaint in the Texas real estate board!

Sigh. There is no Texas real estate board. There is a Houston real estate board, and a Texas Association of Realtors. I don't even live in Texas and I was able to figure it out. It's called google, bitch. Learn to use it.

I want to send that 65-page inspection report (certified) so they have to disclose it.

Now I want you to shut the hell up. This game is fun. Can we keep playing?

I even want small claims!

I would enjoy seeing Dog lose.

I just want to make her suffer!

Picture Dog (who I'm imagining as a 5'1, 240 lb. Mexican guy) beating the shit out of some nice old lady, and then laughing like a motherfucker after. Funny, isn't it?

But part of me just wants to forget about this whole freaking awful mess and move on with my life.

That's really... mature. Totally out of character for Dog. We can't end this post on that, can we?

Nope! Bonus Dog! (From the next day)

Days after we put in a contract on a house, had the worst inspection ever, and canceled the contract, it's still really raw.

I thought she was going to forget about the whole thing and move on. I guess not.

I've gotten more and more angry about the LYING.

I thought she was going to move on...

They trimmed the doors down so they would close in a 5 inch incline! TRIMMED THE DOORS!!

How CAN you not FEEL a 5 inch incline? Was SHE drunk at THE time?

My mistake was hiring a friend-of-a-friend realtor, let's call her Phoebe.

A Friends reference? What is this, 1996?

Not only is Phoebe dumb as a rock, she is laziest "business" person I have ever dealt with. I felt like she's stuck in that 90s dating strategy where you make a guy call you three times before you call back.

Turns out it is 1996. How about that? I guess my mullet is cool again.

A little known fact about Dog: she never dated. She just batted her eyelashes a few times and there were 7 guys ready to marry her. And guess what? They were all rich as fuck!

Also, maybe "Phoebe" didn't give a "shit" because Dog made so many "great" "offers" that had a "good" chance of being accepted.

I have been informed that my mullet was never cool. Ironically, it was Billy Ray Cyrus who told me.

So, now I have to figure out what to do.

Moving on is still an option on the table. Maybe Dog ought to try that.

If I wait for Phoebe to get my $600 back, I might as well call it gone.

Even if she gave a shit. She most definitely does not.

Maybe a decent realtor could get it back, but I didn't have one of those.

Nope. I'm not explaining why either. If you can't figure it out, you're kicked out of No Communism forever.

(I'm just kidding Canadian Socialist. You'll never be kicked out.)

I could go over Phoebe's head and make some threats to the other realtor.

Possible responses by that realtor include:

1. Laughing so hard that they spit juice out of their nose, even though they weren't even drinking juice at the time.

2. Making one of the following noises: a) Skyler-bonk! b) Sheer-bert! c) Ga-gook!

3. Placing the call on speaker, then taking off their pants and mooning the phone.

4. Blaring the song "Who Wears Short Shorts" by the Royal Teens as loud as they can on their car speakers.

5. Inserting their blackberry ALL the way into their own rectum, just to shut Dog the hell up.

6. Attempt to get Dog to join him and the secretary for a threesome. (What? He likes bitchy chicks.)

Responses from that realtor that aren't very fucking likely:

1. Refunding even a dime from the inspection.

That might actually get me my money back. But that would make Phoebe look bad, I think. Phoebe is really bad, but this wasn't her fault.

Then... Why... Did... You... Fire... Her...?

Maybe if she weren't so dumb, she would have caught it, but this isn't on Phoebe. It was that lying seller.

Nope. That's why you hire an inspector. No realtor should be giving opinions on drywall and mould.

The more I think about this, the more I just want it over.

Me too!

You Christian Whore You

I don't even have a preamble. This is why I hate religion so much.

[Edit: Apparently the author of the original post has a problem with me copying portions of it to make fun of and has asked me to delete this post. I clearly will not do so, although I will urge all of you to go check out the original. I've now linked to it twice.]

(Note: Although if it's a joke, nicely done. Pretty sure it isn't though. Read the comments.)

A couple years ago I was bombarded with emails asking me how to please both Jesus and your Husband. I came up with a list for these ladies and it seemed to help.

Once you've read through this entire post, you'll realize why that sentence is so funny. Like anyone would email this crazy bitch.

1. Always be up before your Husband in the morning so you can have his paper and his breakfast ready for him when he wakes. Although it is the morning, there is no need to be slovenly, always make sure you are showered and dressed with your hair fixed and your make-up on.

Fellas, wouldn't this be fucking awesome? Why is this an unrealistic expectation?

Hold onto your hats. This next part is the fucking shit...

ALWAYS serve fresh orange juice. Only whores use frozen.

Fucking whores and their frozen OJ. I would love for the author to attempt to justify how using frozen OJ makes someone a whore. If she buys a carton of OJ, does that make her like a pornstar or something? How about if she orders it from McDonalds? God will smite her!

DO NOT sit down at breakfast.

Yeah bitch! You'll sit down when your man fucking tells you to sit down! How dare you sit in your husband's presence!

Your Husband will be trying to read the morning paper and the sound of your chair scraping on the floor will be a distraction to him

You'd be lucky if he didn't smack you around!

you get up and down to fetch him more biscuits or find his briefcase for him.

Okay, seriously for a second here. Apparently to be a good Christian wife, you obey your husband's every demand and wait for his permission to do anything. You are basically a dog. This is how your religion views women? That's sad. A woman who supports this? Even worse.

DO NOT be a clingy wife! Your Husband has a lot on his mind in the morning, planning out his busy day.

If he treats you like you tell him to, I don't think he'll have to worry about anyone showing any affection towards him.

Do not try to engage him in conversation about what your plans for the day are or other trivial matters.

Your day? Not important. Mine? Awesome.

See how simple these rules are? Stupid bitch.

Always walk him to the door.

Wouldn't that be kinda clingy?

Offer yourself for a kiss, but if he is too busy to notice DO NOT POUT.

If he says no, don't worry about it. Just fuck the pool boy later.

He has a lot of responsibility and the morning is not the time for feminine hysterics.

Yeah! Also, anytime you're upset about anything, your husband will be allowed to crack jokes about it being your time of month. And you'll laugh! If you don't, he'll fuck you up!

DO NOT CALL YOUR HUSBAND AT WORK.

Dammit bitch! I'm busy! (No communism. Proudly written at work since 2008)

Seriously though, ladies, would it kill you to text? We do not want to "just chat." Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

In the case of an actual emergency, of course, calling him at work is necessary. PMS induced crying jags are not emergencies.

(Cries) They are so! You're mean! (Runs home)

Spend your day cooking and cleaning.

No real job for you! Sorry about your luck!

What's that? You have skills? No you don't. You're a stupid woman. Now get back to the kitchen and make me some motherfucking pie! Bitch!

There is no excuse for anything other than a spotless house.

Other things there are no excuses for:

1) Menstration (what the fuck?!?!?)

2) Refusing our threesome requests (see #1)

3) Not giving us blowjobs while we watch sports

4) Letting us go to strippers

Work on those too, alright?

Filth is for pigs not humans and cleaning top to bottom everyday is a good use of your time as well as good exercise.

Wife: I'm going to go to work now. I've got a high profile case I have to work on.

Husband: I don't fucking think so. You'll stay home and clean.

Wife: ...Uhh...

Husband: Yep. It'll be a good use of your time.

Wife: But I make a hundred grand a year!

Husband: Too bad. Besides, it's good exercise as well.

Wife: Okay, I'll do it.

Husband: Really?

Wife: (Packs bags. Leaves.)

Bake lots of cookies and cakes and treats. ALWAYS REMEMBER a fat Husband is a faithful Husband.

Fucking wicked! I am going to be the most faithful husband ever!

There's a bunch more of the same, then right at the end... Bingo!

Never initiate sex yourself. Only whores initiate sex.

Fuck I love whores!

The Div-Net Delievers Again

I'd like to introduce a special guest blogger today. His name is Dr. Frank Quietly, and he's the director of sleep solutions for Comfy Mattress Inc.

Dr. Quietly: (Quietly) Hello. (Sips a cup of chamomile tea)

Rather than me tearing this post the new asshole it deserves, I'm going to let Dr. Quietly here do it. Take it away Doc.

Thanks Nelson. Dr. Quietly here. Don't you all notice how angry he gets? He should really calm it down a bit, agreed?

The post he wanted me to critique is called Investing for Capital Appreciation or Dividend Income which was published over at the Div-Net. I'm looking forward to a calm exchange of ideas.

While dividend investors can ignore responding to folks with trading philosophy, sometimes it does become difficult to argue with value investors.

While dividend investing has many things in common with value investing, there are several distinct differences. Value investors don't put as much emphasis on dividends as a dividend investor does. Same with the buy and hold forever philosophy. But whatever, they're pretty close I guess.

Value investors who in general are looking to invest below book value sometime have an argument that focusing on dividend is not that critical.

I'd have to respectfully disagree again here fellas. Value investing doesn't always mean buying below book value. Value investing is basically trying to find names that the market has beaten down for whatever reason and trying to buy them on the cheap. Do you see how someone can calmly disagree with a point Nelson?

Nelson: Shut up. Fuck off.

Dr. Quietly: (Slowly shakes head. Takes another sip of tea)

Business should be applauded for reinvesting profits back into business to grow. In essence, either create additional value or continuously increase value for their shareholder. That is a good argument.

Dr. Quietly: Once again fellas, I have an issue with that point. It implies that value investors hate dividends and would rather have a company's profits reinvested back into the company. This just isn't true. Value investors look at every company individually. If a company is sitting on a large amount of cash, then they often push for increased dividends or even a special dividend. If the company is barely breaking even or perhaps even losing money, then the value investor cares more about the sustainability of the company. It simply depends on the situation.

However, the key here is “creating value for the shareholders”.Each individual will look at this differently. For me, “creating value for shareholder” is how much I am getting back in return.

Once again, true. But one must remember that return consists of an income component and a capital gain component. Each are valuable.

In my investment approach of buy-and-hold, I am also looking for management to continuously increase the value of its business (and hence my stocks value).

You are not alone in your investment approach. I'd say that just about every approach of investing (with the exception of short term trading) focuses on that.

These guys aren't so bad Nelson. Why did you ask me to do this again? And why are you so angry? (Sips tea, pets cat)

I do not plan to cash out my profits (if any). In that context, I only have paper value creation. Unless I cash out, that increased value has no meaning for me.

You only have paper wealth creation? This is true. Except there exists a whole system that is designed to let you cash out in a short period of time. I mean I am literally 5 minutes away from having any of my equity positions turned back into cash. Hell, I could spend 2 minutes on the can and still have plenty of time to do it. This argument is just a little bit ridiculous. Respectfully speaking of course.

Nelson: Dr. Quietly, are you getting upset?

Dr. Quietly: Of course not. I'm thinking of a nice waterfall and am very tranquil right now.

Who knows some nutjob manager will screw things and value is vanished.

With apologies to Mrs. Quietly and everyone who enjoys soothing calmness, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? A "nutjob manager" can just as easily fuck things up in a dividend payer. Management risk is something that ALL investors have to deal with, not just value investors.

Nelson: Dude?

Dr. Quietly: Deep breaths. (Takes a couple deep breaths and a sip of tea) I think I'm good

While I am waiting and continue to trust management, I need management to share some profits with me. That’s rational argument and prudent money management which shows to me company cares for its shareholders.

Dr. Quietly: Dammit! For the last fucking time, value investors don't hate dividends! They just think there's more to a fucking investment then the fucking dividend yield! They care about hidden value, or a company trading less than book value, or a company that may be worth more split up, or a company in a downturn that has a great balance sheet and can weather the storm for a while. They care for one or a combination of these things!

Also, a company shares ALL of its earnings with you. Retained earnings have value. That's why they're on the fucking balance sheet. Every dollar in earnings that gets reinvested in the company increases the value of that company. Just because it doesn't go into your pocket doesn't mean that it's wasted and gone forever.

A nice balance is all I ask for.

Nelson: You should calm down

Dr. Quietly: I fucking can't! I mean income is good, but doesn't this guy realize that buying debt is probably a billion times safer, and if you re-invest the profits into new debt you get the same goddamn compounding effect?

Nelson: He writes for the Div-Net and his name is Dividend Tree. Probably not. That's kinda his M.O.

Going after buy and hold approach solely for capital appreciation is a high risk strategy, even when buying at deep value.

Dr. Quietly: (Starts hyperventilating)

Nelson: Dude, you okay?

Dr. Quietly: That's... Just... So... Stupid...

Nelson: You mean that a) value stocks very often have dividends, rendering the main argument of this post as bullshit, b) Value investing is no more risky than any other form of stock market investing and c) A value investor would argue that buying at a steep discount to book value acts as a safety buffer?

Dr. Quietly: (Nods slowly while breathing into a paper bag)

...this value creation has no meaning.

Dr. Quietly: (Head explodes)

Oh. Shit. How am I supposed to get that out of the carpet?