I'm Not Dead

I'm just extremely not motivated.

I'll be back soon, I promise.

Give me an R! Give me an O! Give me a B!...

What does that spell? ROBERT KIYOSAKI!

Robert's latest posting over at Yahoo! finance is sort of boring, so let's go back to some of his past efforts.

This week's edition is titled Lazy People Don't Get Rich.

Allow me to be politically incorrect:

Did I just read that right? Robert Kiyosaki being politically incorrect? This is better than my dream about a threesome with Amanda Bynes and Ashley Leggat.

Please Robert, be as politically incorrect as you want.

The No. 1 reason people aren't rich is because they're lazy. This is purely my opinion and no one else's, and I have no scientific proof to back it up.

Actually, this statement doesn't really piss me off that much. I'd argue that lack of intelligence is actually the number 1 reason, but laziness is right up there. I did enjoy how much he backpedaled once he threw it out there though.

One of the things I loved most about the Marine Corps was that I never had to worry about what anyone was thinking. When I was preparing to be an officer, there was no sensitivity training. When superior officers spoke to you, they didn't have to wrap their words in ribbons and bows, and didn't worry about hurting anyone's feelings.

Uhh... kay?

What does this have to do with anything?

In fact, we often went out of our way to hurt others' feelings just to test their core toughness. (I'd repeat some of the more choice comments I've treasured over the years, but I'm not writing for a military audience.)

Oh, so you're an asshole?

I'm starting to get pissed off. Get to the point.

Today, I'm still hesitant to let my employees know exactly what I'm not satisfied with for fear of being sued, or to compliment a pretty woman for fear of being accused of sexual harassment.

The sexual harassment part might be the greatest thing I've ever read from the pen of Robert. And he's churned out some steaming turds over the years. He can't compliment a pretty woman for fear of being accused of sexual harassment? I can just imagine the conversation...

Robert: Hey Denise, do you have the copies made for the Rich Dad file?

Denise: Yes Robert. They're on your desk.

Robert: Oh Denise, I don't know what I'd do without you. You're such a great help.

Denise: (Slightly embarrassed) Thanks Robert.

Robert: No problem. By the way, nice tits. Would you mind if I went ahead and grabbed myself a handful?

Denise: Oh my God! Sexual harassment!

Robert: What'd I do?

But I'm happy to say that things are changing. We now have reality TV instead of Father Knows Best, a phony show about fake family harmony from my era.

Except reality TV is just as scripted as any other TV.

Robert, don't venture into areas you know nothing about. It's bad enough we have to listen to your piss poor financial advice.

Today, commentators like Bill Maher and Jon Stewart rip into politicians under the guise of humor.

Fuck. Robert, what did I just say? I feel like I'm disciplining a 9 year old.

Bill Maher and Jon Stewart host political satire shows. They make fun of stuff. Then we laugh at it. Well, not at Bill Maher's show, cause he's kind of an asshole. But still, we're supposed to.

All of this overt honesty, while sometimes contrived, encourages me to be more honest about my favorite subject -- getting rich, and who's most likely to do so.

Oh boy! More vague advice about starting a business and learning how to invest like rich people do! I can hardly wait!

Most of you who follow my books and this column know how I make my money.

Actually, nobody really knows how you made your money. We think it's in real estate, but you're so non-specific that "real estate" could really mean "owning a series of fish farms in rural Alaska". Or it could mean owning a bunch of strip clubs that only feature midgets and chicks with dicks.

If I were guessing how you really made your money, I would guess it was from selling books.

First of all, I'm an entrepreneur. I've been starting companies since I was a kid. I never wanted to be an employee -- I always wanted to be in control. I didn't want someone like me telling me what to do. Consequently, I now have companies, agencies, or strategic partners all over the world.

Every time he brags about how much he's accomplished and fails to even bring a shred of evidence. Now please stop talking about it.

Also, I love the line where he says he basically hates himself. We now have something in common.

Second, I love real estate. Not only do I think it's the best investment in the world, I can prove it. What other investment is there that has bankers lining up to lend you money?

Before I rip into this, let's remember it was originally published on Aug. 7th, 2006. I'm not going to touch the mortgage meltdown stuff because that's too easy. We've got lots of other stuff to address.

Robert likes to brag he called the crash. Yet here he is at the peak of the market telling people to buy real estate. Nice.

Also, apparently the only factor that determines whether something is a good investment is whether bankers are willing to lend you money to finance it. Remember that, venture capital dumbasses!

They won't lend you millions of dollars for years at a time to buy stocks, bonds, or mutual funds. And what other investment will your insurance company insure against losses?

Wow. These are truly two of the stupidest sentences I have ever read. And they're back to back. Let's spend some time with each of them.

They won't lend you millions of dollars for years at a time to buy stocks, bonds, or mutual funds.

That's because in both Canada and the United States, the government either directly or indirectly guarantees certain mortgages. This makes this a very safe investment for the lending institution.

Yes, I realize that every now and again the shit hits the fan and there's a disaster in the mortgage market. But for the most part, the system actually works.

Also, real estate is, for the most part, a more stable market than the stock market. Therefore, it is easier to predict that long term growth patterns will usually just slightly outperform inflation.

Besides all this, real estate has utility. People live in it and use it. Stocks, bonds and mutual funds all serve important roles in the financial system, but they don't really have any use.

And what other investment will your insurance company insure against losses?

Angel on my shoulder: Don't do it Nelson. I know you want to hunt down Robert Kiyosaki and throw shit at him for the stupidity of this statement, but you shouldn't do it. Learn to love instead.

Devil on the other shoulder: Fuck dude! Do it! He deserves it! I heard he lives in Phoenix...

Angel: Think about the embarrassment he'd feel. His feelings would be hurt.

Devil: Go to Expedia and buy a ticket right now! Three hundred bucks is totally worth it!

Angel: You shouldn't, it's wron... Wait, he said WHAT? He said that insurance will cover you if you lose money at real estate? But that's just so wrong! I hate that stupid motherfucker!

Devil: Dude, settle down. Maybe he meant that insurance will cover replacement building costs for rare but catastrophic events like a fire or tornado...

Angel: Yeah, but how does a guy who supposedly owns like a million houses make that mistake?

Devil: He's a dumbass all right. Why don't we work on getting Nelson that threesome now?

Wow. I just... wow. Every time it gets better. I should rename this blog Fire Robert Kiyosaki.

Then there's a bunch of boring stuff where he says to buy gold and silver and more crap about the U.S. dollar going to hell. And then near the end... Jackpot!

You wouldn't be reading Yahoo! Finance if you weren't serious about being rich or becoming rich. So I owe it to you to be more truthful. And I'm not worried about offending the financial losers of the world, because financial losers don't read this column.

Yeah! Fuck you financial losers! Get the fuck out of here! Robert doesn't have time for your horseshit! Yeah! You're not even allowed in Yahoo Finance! Financial losers aren't welcome here! Get the fuck out!

How exactly is Yahoo assuring that financial losers don't read this? They just are, okay!

He did get one thing right in that paragraph. He does owe it to everybody to be more truthful.

So, rather than tell you week after week about real estate, entrepreneurship, gold, silver, oil, and gas, I've decided to occasionally run a less-than-politically-correct column and tell you exactly what I think about the subject of getting rich.

This guy has published 4 articles in the last 6 months.

And please Robert, I beg you to actually do this! Please publish something with some actual advice someone can use! Please! Please please please please! Pretty please! With a cherry on top! Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please!

I also said that the difference between "God" and "gold" is a simple "L" -- as in "lazy," or "looting."

This is so stupid I'm not even going to comment on it. No. You can't make me.

Another word that begins with "L" is "loser."

Haven't we been through this? Robert fucking hates losers! He hates people who aren't rich! We think he started off poor, but really he made 76 trillion dollars working for his rich dad back in the day. His rich dad was so rich he would make hobos have sex with dogs for his own amusement! He was that rich!

Over the years, I've met many losers who pray to God to give them gold. They'll never get it that way because, as the Sunday school I went to taught me, God helps those who help themselves.

I'm no religious expert, but I'm pretty sure no church tells people to pray for wealth. Jesus doesn't really strike me as a very materialistic dude.

Also, God helps those who help themselves is a Ben Franklin quote. Which Bible were you reading?

(Ironically, Money, Money, Money by Abba came up on my iTunes while I was typing that last sentence. If I wasn't such a goddam athiest, I'd read something into it.)

As some of you may be aware, I wasn't born rich.

Really? I'd be surprised if you didn't mention it every single fucking day of your life.

And I've written openly about my failures as an entrepreneur and my losses as an investor.

No you haven't. Take that back.

I haven't hidden my horror stories. The reason I don't keep them secret is because my failures are the best learning experiences of my life. We learn by making mistakes -- except in school, where we're punished for making mistakes. This may be why most schoolteachers aren't rich.

Fuck you school teachers! God, Robert hates you! You aren't rich, that makes you terrible people!

I know quite a few teachers. And they're not rich because they don't, like most people, think that way. They are content with making their sixty grand a year forever, because they value security.

Or, we could just throw out vague bullshit that groups all teachers together. Whatever, it's your call Robert.

I only want to point out that if you're not a lazy loser, you may find yourself with more gold in your life without having to resort to looting.

So if you work harder and make smarter choices, you can be rich too! Uh, no shit?

Let's file this under obvious and call it a day.