I don't even have a preamble. This is why I hate religion so much.
[Edit: Apparently the author of the original post has a problem with me copying portions of it to make fun of and has asked me to delete this post. I clearly will not do so, although I will urge all of you to go check out the original. I've now linked to it twice.]
(Note: Although if it's a joke, nicely done. Pretty sure it isn't though. Read the comments.)
A couple years ago I was bombarded with emails asking me how to please both Jesus and your Husband. I came up with a list for these ladies and it seemed to help.
Once you've read through this entire post, you'll realize why that sentence is so funny. Like anyone would email this crazy bitch.
1. Always be up before your Husband in the morning so you can have his paper and his breakfast ready for him when he wakes. Although it is the morning, there is no need to be slovenly, always make sure you are showered and dressed with your hair fixed and your make-up on.
Fellas, wouldn't this be fucking awesome? Why is this an unrealistic expectation?
Hold onto your hats. This next part is the fucking shit...
ALWAYS serve fresh orange juice. Only whores use frozen.
Fucking whores and their frozen OJ. I would love for the author to attempt to justify how using frozen OJ makes someone a whore. If she buys a carton of OJ, does that make her like a pornstar or something? How about if she orders it from McDonalds? God will smite her!
DO NOT sit down at breakfast.
Yeah bitch! You'll sit down when your man fucking tells you to sit down! How dare you sit in your husband's presence!
Your Husband will be trying to read the morning paper and the sound of your chair scraping on the floor will be a distraction to him
You'd be lucky if he didn't smack you around!
you get up and down to fetch him more biscuits or find his briefcase for him.
Okay, seriously for a second here. Apparently to be a good Christian wife, you obey your husband's every demand and wait for his permission to do anything. You are basically a dog. This is how your religion views women? That's sad. A woman who supports this? Even worse.
DO NOT be a clingy wife! Your Husband has a lot on his mind in the morning, planning out his busy day.
If he treats you like you tell him to, I don't think he'll have to worry about anyone showing any affection towards him.
Do not try to engage him in conversation about what your plans for the day are or other trivial matters.
Your day? Not important. Mine? Awesome.
See how simple these rules are? Stupid bitch.
Always walk him to the door.
Wouldn't that be kinda clingy?
Offer yourself for a kiss, but if he is too busy to notice DO NOT POUT.
If he says no, don't worry about it. Just fuck the pool boy later.
He has a lot of responsibility and the morning is not the time for feminine hysterics.
Yeah! Also, anytime you're upset about anything, your husband will be allowed to crack jokes about it being your time of month. And you'll laugh! If you don't, he'll fuck you up!
DO NOT CALL YOUR HUSBAND AT WORK.
Dammit bitch! I'm busy! (No communism. Proudly written at work since 2008)
Seriously though, ladies, would it kill you to text? We do not want to "just chat." Sorry, but that's just the way it is.
In the case of an actual emergency, of course, calling him at work is necessary. PMS induced crying jags are not emergencies.
(Cries) They are so! You're mean! (Runs home)
Spend your day cooking and cleaning.
No real job for you! Sorry about your luck!
What's that? You have skills? No you don't. You're a stupid woman. Now get back to the kitchen and make me some motherfucking pie! Bitch!
There is no excuse for anything other than a spotless house.
Other things there are no excuses for:
1) Menstration (what the fuck?!?!?)
2) Refusing our threesome requests (see #1)
3) Not giving us blowjobs while we watch sports
4) Letting us go to strippers
Work on those too, alright?
Filth is for pigs not humans and cleaning top to bottom everyday is a good use of your time as well as good exercise.
Wife: I'm going to go to work now. I've got a high profile case I have to work on.
Husband: I don't fucking think so. You'll stay home and clean.
Wife: ...Uhh...
Husband: Yep. It'll be a good use of your time.
Wife: But I make a hundred grand a year!
Husband: Too bad. Besides, it's good exercise as well.
Wife: Okay, I'll do it.
Husband: Really?
Wife: (Packs bags. Leaves.)
Bake lots of cookies and cakes and treats. ALWAYS REMEMBER a fat Husband is a faithful Husband.
Fucking wicked! I am going to be the most faithful husband ever!
There's a bunch more of the same, then right at the end... Bingo!
Never initiate sex yourself. Only whores initiate sex.
Fuck I love whores!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
Hat tip to Fabulously Broke for finding the article in the first place.
You copied my whole article, that's a breach of copyright. Can you please re-write your incoherent rant? Thanks, and have a blessed day through Christ our Lord.
AnnieAngel: Thanks for coming to No Communism! Hope you've enjoyed your stay.
Yes, I copied some of your article. (not all of it) That's kinda what I do here. I also give people the opportunity to visit the original by linking to it, as I did with yours. And if you take a look, I added a second, more obvious chance for people to go visit your original post. No need to thank me, I'm nice like that.
And by the way, I haven't breached your copyright. I suggest you spend some time reading about Fair Use. Don't want to? No problem, I'll quote part of the wikipedia entry:
"Notwithstanding the provisions of sections 17 U.S.C. § 106 and 17 U.S.C. § 106A, the fair use of a copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or by any other means specified by that section, for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright."
So, yeah. Not removing my post. I will also post a copy of this in the comments section of your blog to make sure my message gets across.
How do I conert to Christianity?
or better yet, how do I get my wife to convert to Christianity?
Actually, from reading the post and the comments, I'm pretty sure it IS a fake - I mean really - someone who would be that up-tight about frozen orange juice wouldn't use the foul language that Annie does in her posts and comments.
Having re-read the story, I've decided that I'm going to apply for a job at the supermarket...either as a cashier or maybe a bagboy.
Look, it's quite obvious...I just watch for the whores buying the frozen OJ. If that's how I can pick them out, wonderful. I'll help them out to the car, and being the whore, they'll initiate the sex. I've got it made!
Howard- You've got a pretty bang on plan. Fuck I love whores.
Faith- I really don't know if it's fake or not. If it is, my kudos to AnnieAngel
Post a Comment