Caninius Bitchius

It's time for more Dog Ate My Finances, bitches!

In this week's episode, the Dog's are trying to buy a house. Things aren't exactly going to plan, which is causing Dog to be even more bitter than usual. I've linked to the comments, mostly because all of her readers clearly hate her. This amuses me.

We canceled the contract and fired our realtor.

Dog's solution to everything is to fire people. She went through about 4 mortgage agents and approximately 2,258 realtors. She also hired and fired 6.2 million home inspectors, 3,712 lawyers, and 9 kids at the local Dairy Queen, just for shits and giggles. Then she took out her anger on some really cute baby seals and clubbed the shit out of them. There were no survivors.

As of right now, we get our earnest money back. We lose our $100 option fee to the seller and the $500 inspection fee.

For those of you not following this saga with all of your attention, (and how can you not!?!?!?!?) the Dog's put an offer on a house that failed the home inspection pretty miserably. So she's bitching about not getting the fee back. Even though that's the whole fucking point of an inspection.

The inspection saved potentially tens of thousands of dollars in repairs. All for the low, low cost of $500. Seems like a pretty fucking good deal to me. If the house was perfect, would you ask for the money back? Think about the bullshit of the whole argument for a second.

I'm pissed off. $600 because that bitch lied to us???!!! $600!!??!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????>>>>>><<<<>>><,,.,./,.,./,./,/,/.,/.,/.!!111!!1!1!!!!11111!

(Yeah, that's right. A punctuation joke. Fuck you. It's funny.)

Dog is trying to say that the owner knew their house was a shithole. This may very well be true. But there is no way to prove it. Which is why one would hire the FUCKING HOME INSPECTOR IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Part of me wants to have the seller's realtor's license pulled.

Part of me wants Dog to not have a blog anymore. Okay, it's actually all of me.

I want to call the city on every code violation.

I want Taylor Swift to suck me off.

What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. But she sure is hot.

I want a complaint in the Texas real estate board!

Sigh. There is no Texas real estate board. There is a Houston real estate board, and a Texas Association of Realtors. I don't even live in Texas and I was able to figure it out. It's called google, bitch. Learn to use it.

I want to send that 65-page inspection report (certified) so they have to disclose it.

Now I want you to shut the hell up. This game is fun. Can we keep playing?

I even want small claims!

I would enjoy seeing Dog lose.

I just want to make her suffer!

Picture Dog (who I'm imagining as a 5'1, 240 lb. Mexican guy) beating the shit out of some nice old lady, and then laughing like a motherfucker after. Funny, isn't it?

But part of me just wants to forget about this whole freaking awful mess and move on with my life.

That's really... mature. Totally out of character for Dog. We can't end this post on that, can we?

Nope! Bonus Dog! (From the next day)

Days after we put in a contract on a house, had the worst inspection ever, and canceled the contract, it's still really raw.

I thought she was going to forget about the whole thing and move on. I guess not.

I've gotten more and more angry about the LYING.

I thought she was going to move on...

They trimmed the doors down so they would close in a 5 inch incline! TRIMMED THE DOORS!!

How CAN you not FEEL a 5 inch incline? Was SHE drunk at THE time?

My mistake was hiring a friend-of-a-friend realtor, let's call her Phoebe.

A Friends reference? What is this, 1996?

Not only is Phoebe dumb as a rock, she is laziest "business" person I have ever dealt with. I felt like she's stuck in that 90s dating strategy where you make a guy call you three times before you call back.

Turns out it is 1996. How about that? I guess my mullet is cool again.

A little known fact about Dog: she never dated. She just batted her eyelashes a few times and there were 7 guys ready to marry her. And guess what? They were all rich as fuck!

Also, maybe "Phoebe" didn't give a "shit" because Dog made so many "great" "offers" that had a "good" chance of being accepted.

I have been informed that my mullet was never cool. Ironically, it was Billy Ray Cyrus who told me.

So, now I have to figure out what to do.

Moving on is still an option on the table. Maybe Dog ought to try that.

If I wait for Phoebe to get my $600 back, I might as well call it gone.

Even if she gave a shit. She most definitely does not.

Maybe a decent realtor could get it back, but I didn't have one of those.

Nope. I'm not explaining why either. If you can't figure it out, you're kicked out of No Communism forever.

(I'm just kidding Canadian Socialist. You'll never be kicked out.)

I could go over Phoebe's head and make some threats to the other realtor.

Possible responses by that realtor include:

1. Laughing so hard that they spit juice out of their nose, even though they weren't even drinking juice at the time.

2. Making one of the following noises: a) Skyler-bonk! b) Sheer-bert! c) Ga-gook!

3. Placing the call on speaker, then taking off their pants and mooning the phone.

4. Blaring the song "Who Wears Short Shorts" by the Royal Teens as loud as they can on their car speakers.

5. Inserting their blackberry ALL the way into their own rectum, just to shut Dog the hell up.

6. Attempt to get Dog to join him and the secretary for a threesome. (What? He likes bitchy chicks.)

Responses from that realtor that aren't very fucking likely:

1. Refunding even a dime from the inspection.

That might actually get me my money back. But that would make Phoebe look bad, I think. Phoebe is really bad, but this wasn't her fault.

Then... Why... Did... You... Fire... Her...?

Maybe if she weren't so dumb, she would have caught it, but this isn't on Phoebe. It was that lying seller.

Nope. That's why you hire an inspector. No realtor should be giving opinions on drywall and mould.

The more I think about this, the more I just want it over.

Me too!