Before we get started making fun of Trent the Frugaldouche, I just want to draw everyone's attention to the newest bitch post from Dog. I may shit on it later, or I might not. I'm really kind of lazy that way.
Anyhoo, this steaming turd from The Simple Dollar is a few months old, and I can't believe I haven't made fun of it for this long. Let's do it!
Yesterday morning, my son and I were in the bathroom cleaning.
Polishing their wieners! Ha ha!
I noticed that we were almost out of toilet paper. My son went to retrieve some (he may only be three years old, but he knows how to change the toilet paper roll! I’m so proud.)
I'm enjoying the mental image of Trent ordering his kid to go get more toilet paper. It's even funnier if you picture him slapping the kid around a little bit. Go ahead, try it... See! Told ya!
and while he was getting the paper, I quickly used the toilet, using the remaining toilet paper - about nine squares of it or so.
Who only uses 9 sheets? Does he only wipe 3 times? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Does he not enjoy a clean ass? Or does saving 1.24 cents trump that?
Smell that? Yeah, that's Trent's stinky ass.
No word on whether his kid walked in on him taking a shit, but I think it's a pretty safe guess to assume he did. Is it really too much to ask for him to hold it until he knew his kid wasn't coming back? Did he have the shits?
Also, the pedophile jokes just write themselves.
When my son came back, he saw that the toilet paper roll was now empty and he actually admonished me about it. “You used all of that toilet paper, Dad? I only use one piece.”
Trent is going to take tips on wiping his ass from his three year old kid. Let's think about this for a minute.
I hope that kid washes his hands after wiping with only one piece, cause if I know Trent, that's going to be the cheapest, scratchiest shit ticket of all time.
We washed our hands (since we were done in the bathroom) and joked about how much paper I had used, but after a bit, I began to think more carefully about his comment. Did I really need to use that much toilet paper?
I can't believe this guy actually spends time thinking about this shit. It's fucking toilet paper. It costs like 20 cents a roll.
So I tried a little experiment for the day.
This ought to be good.
Whenever I went to use something of varying quantity - salt, toothpaste, pepper, salsa - I strove to try to figure out the minimum amount that I could use and still get full enjoyment and utility out of the situation.
Yeah people! Don't you realize the horrible financial consequences of using too much toothpaste! That's why Mike Tyson isn't rich anymore.
And pepper? That shit's expensive! It's like 3 cents a serving. That's some serious cash!
Remember, this is the same guy who finances his new car.
Take pepper, for starters.
Pepper. The silent wealth killer.
Instead of simply grinding away over the soup we had for lunch,
Huh huh uh uh huh. You said grinding.
I tasted it first, added just two grinds of pepper, stirred, tried it again, and found that I liked the taste.
Oh. We're still talking about pepper.
Pepper is the reason for 76% of all world poverty. If it wasn't for pepper, we'd all be rich as fuck.
What about toothpaste?
Yeah! That shit's more expensive than crack.
I put just a tiny bit on my brush, spread it over the bristles, and started brushing. Almost immediately, I had a nice bit of foam in my mouth and my teeth felt wonderfully clean afterwards.
Right after he typed that sentence, Trent officially lost any chance of getting laid that night. Which is really too bad, since he had a giant boner after saving 1.5 cents worth of toothpaste. Instead, he rubbed one off while doing a cost analysis of homemade pizza versus Dominos.
Instead of grabbing two or three Kleenexes to blow my nose, why not just grab one and use it until I absolutely can’t use it any more, then get another if I need it?
I don't know... Maybe because that's fucking gross.
What I’ve found is this: you’d be shocked how much less you can use during a day without sacrificing any quality.
Ga ga ga goink!!!!!!! (Smacks palm against forehead)
There are so many disposable and consumable things that we use in our lives, even if we’re careful about it.
All of which cost about 20 cents a day. Worrying about shit like that is stupid.
Taking the time to “reset” our expectations on how much we have to use can pay great dividends
Not if you focus on stupid shit like toothpaste.
Next up from the Simple Dollar: A cost analysis on the benefits of deodorant (hint: it's not worth the money and you can easily make your own)
not only are we directly saving money by consuming less (and thus not having to replace these consumables as often), we’re also changing our expectations.
Which must be pretty fucking low since you're talking about Kleenex.
Some of the comments of the post argue that dissenters like me don't realize that the original post is talking about the big picture of using less. I suppose they have a point, except they're missing one important thing: that everything in the post was just fucking stupid. Saving money on toilet paper simply doesn't matter, and some stupid cost analysis of it is just bullshit.
This is why I can't stand the Simple Dollar.
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3 comments:
I am amazed that you equated 9 squares to 3 wipes. Who the hell uses 3 squares per wipe? If I used 3 squares per wipe, the paper would rip and I would get crap on my fingers. I use at least 9 squares per wipe, and I am talking triple ply paper here. Plus I wipe at least 10 times, so you're looking at half a roll. I have to flush tow or three times otherwise it clogs up. (I do have a plunger on standby.)
In college I lived in an apartment with 4 other girls. We wanted to know why the toilet paper went to fast, so we all pulled off how much toilet paper we used per wipe. I used 3 per wipe. Some of the other girls used 3-5, one used 9 per wipe. And I'm sure she wiped multiple times.
It was one of those fun little college discoveries like finding out that not everyone called any generic carbonated beverage "coke" and instead others call it "soda" or "pop" or "cola" - it was MINDBLOWING to find out how ridiculous people were about wiping themselves.
That said, I don't think that 2 grinds of pepper is going to do Jack Shit.
Paolo- For the record, I use 4 sheets each time I wipe. I buy the fluffiest, thickest Charmin I can buy, so that's probably equivilent to about 6 or 8 sheets of a cheaper brand.
As for the 3 squares per wipe, I just pulled it out of my ass because it easily divided into 9.
Faith- True, a lot of people do use too much to wipe. Apparently some people (Paolo included) are really scared about getting a little poo on their hand.
I had a roommate who used a shitload (pun totally intended) of TP because I was paying for it. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be that guy who brought that kind of stuff up.
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