Like Ralph Nader, Just Less Attractive

Apparently there are lots of fucking idiots out there who get screwed all the time by big bad corporations. I've never really considered this a big problem, and neither has anyone else, mostly because it's fucking stupid. The solution to getting screwed is pretty simple- stop doing fucking business with them. And if you've signed a contract, then you're pretty much screwed. That's natural selection there, bitch. Suck it up and move on.

So here I am, living my life, not really giving a shit about any of that stuff. Yet, every single day, I have to read the Canadian Personal Finance Blog bitch about how various companies are "screwing" or "gouging" the site's author, some doucher who calls himself Bigcajunman, even though he's clearly from Ontario and not New Orleans. I endured it for a while, now I'm just fed up.

Over the past few months, he's made himself out to be this consumer advocate, warning people of the evils of the corporate world. He's kinda like Ralph Nader without the presidential aspirations or the sex appeal. Anyway, rather than spend time on one post of his, I'll spend time with a number of his bitchfests. So, yeah.

From November 16th:

OK, Air Canada has been an important part of my life, but their new “Leg Room Tariff” is one step too far in my estimation...

The fee will only be $14 for each leg of your trip, to sit in a bulk head seat or in one of the emergency exits, but it stinks in my estimation. So if someone who cannot open the emergency exit pays for the seat, and refuses to move people may die in an emergency situation? Seems like a safety issue to me.

If you click on the link, you see that Air Canada is charging this for specific seats. So it's pretty fucking easy to avoid paying the surcharge. Still, what an outrage!

As for the too weak to open the emergency exit argument, apparently airplanes have secret strength sapping abilities that make sure that nobody on the plane can open the emergency doors. I'd personally be pretty outraged about that one, except for it being, well, bullshit.

Here's the best part. According to the Winnipeg Free Press, Westjet did the exact same fucking thing last year. Those Air Canada bastards!

From October 27th:

On average, undergraduate students in Ontario also paid the highest fees in Canada at $5,951. Students in Nova Scotia had the second-highest average tuition fees at $5,696.

I feel so honoured to be the most gouged in all of Canada, and I’d like to point out that is the Average, which means some schools are more than that (and different faculties in those schools are even higher).

Yeah, university is such a bad idea. I wonder why people even go?

What's also funny is how cheap university is up here compared to U.S. schools.

(As an aside, the process of finding his bitch posts just got much faster by searching his site for "gouged". Go me!)

From January 19th:

My travel agents gouged me with a service charge and this is through my company?

This might be my favorite one. He expects his travel agents (he apparently has more than one) to work for free, during the same post where he bitches about airport landing fees. How is the airport supposed to pay for itself?

Oh, it's not? Sorry then.

Okay, I really, really, really fucking hate people who bitch about how bad flying is. This is an industry that has basically always lost money, who, all things considered, does a remarkable job getting people to where they need to be safely. If you hate flying so much, why don't you take the train? Or a small, private airline? Or take the fucking bus?

When did wandering around in sweat pants with CANADA emblazoned on your butt become high fashion?

And the cranky old man award goes to...

Get off my lawn! You damn teenagers!

From March 12th:

This past week I had to order cheques for my chequing account (I am astounded by the number of cheques I still write, given I pay all my bills on line) and I was gouged charged the regular $30 for a set of cheques by TD.

Instead of bitching about it, you could go to ING direct. They don't charge squat for cheques.

Same with PC Financial.

Same with... ah, screw it. You get the idea.

Switch banks to get what I want? Nah, I'll just bitch about it.

From April 13th, 2007

Gasoline remains at ludicrous levels here in Ottawa over $1.05 a liter, and now there is not even the courtesy of an excuse, we are now being told, “That is the way it is”, lovely! I think we are being gouged (again)

Thanks to my connections with Satan, there is now a special place in hell for those people who complain about the price of gas. Their ironic punishment will be to huff gasoline fumes until they explode.

And finally, his favorite target of scorn, payday loan companies:

Pay Day Loan establishments are like Financial Head Shops

Heh, heh, heh, he said head.

and use the same arguments as well. “…We don’t make our customers use our services, we are simply supplying a needed service to our customers…” (talk to a Head Shop owner, you’ll get about the same statement of business (i.e. if we didn’t do it, someone else would)).

This is actually true.

Okay, run this through your head. You have no credit. You have no credit cards, no relatives you can sponge off, nothing. You need money for a legitimate emergency. What the fuck are you supposed to do? Nicely ask your dirtbag friends for it? Yeah, that'll work.

The market exists because there is a need for it. Payday loans are really a vital service for the people who use them. They have no other credit available.

No matter that you are charging at a rate that would make “Olaf the Loan Shark” blush,

Actually, "Olaf" would probably bitch you out because the rates you're charging wouldn't be HIGH enough. Loan sharks are kinda mean.

or that once someone starts using a Pay Day Loan it is very hard (nearly impossible) to get out of the cycle (sounds like a bad habit, like say, drugs?).

He's right about this. I don't care for the drugs comparison, mostly because drugs are illegal and payday loans are very legal, but whatever, the point is valid.

Hey, want a payday loan, go here! Why'd I pick there? Why it was one of the links I found on the front page of his site.

More payday loan stuff, from August 13th, 2008

I am not condemning you for using this service,

Yes you are.

but I do want you to think about how you can stop using these services.

You know, I've found that the people who give a shit about getting their financial lives together have either already done it, or are in the process of doing it. People know that for every problem they have, there is shit everywhere on the internet telling you how to fix it. Ignorance is hardly an excuse for anything anymore.

Don’t feel like this is your only way to deal with this, because these Loan Sharks are not the answer to your financial survival,

I've stopped making fun of this now. Here's another payday loan link taken from the cajundouche's site.

if anything they are the end of your survival, there is little chance of escape from these sharks.

The same sharks that are only a click away from your site? For shits and giggles, here's another. Guess where the source is?

If you are paying 470% interest, your chances of getting out from under this is not likely.

Any British people reading? If so, here's your own payday loan link! It was nice of the cajunfucker to not leave you guys out.

Ruff! Ruff Ruff Ruff!

Dog is sad. This amuses me.

Between my job, my horrific real estate transaction, and the trolls, I think I'm losing my faith in humankind.

Thank you Jesus!

I like to think of myself as a generally optimistic person.

Ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Hold on. Gonna need a second here. Okay, breathe... And I'm good.

Oh man. Does she read the stuff she churns out?

I give people the benefit of the doubt.

Except Realtors. Or "Mortgage Monkeys". Or pretty much anyone at her shitty new job. Or her crazy crack addict brother. Or people who give her shitty wedding gifts.

I'll stop now.

Every day, every single day, I see the bad in people.

Everyone who reads her blog, in unison: WE KNOW

I see people suffering at the hands of others.

That happens every time someone reads her blog.

But it's hard for me to wrap my head around nastiness in mean people.

Once again, we have the woe is me routine from Dog. Look how bad I have it! I have such a shitty job! Everyone's out to screw me! Boo Hoo! Wait for the inevitable follow up post about how awesome she is.

And here it is!

I don't know what is happening to me at my job.

You don't? Wouldn't you have a pretty good idea, considering you work there and all?

It is changing my whole perspective.

It must be changing the part of her perspective that isn't whiny and bitchy.

Sometimes I'm not even sure I live in the same world anymore.

Pretty sure you do.

I don't get paid enough to deal with this.

Neither do I, yet I'm still here.

Nelson's alter ego: Actually moron, you get paid nothing.

Why is my alter ego such an asshole? Oh, wait...

I don't think I can ever get my optimistic innocence back.

Dog had optimistic innocence? Really?

Even Guys From Latvia Can Have Stupid Blogs

Latvia.

According to wikipedia, Latvia is famous for being Russia's bitch, being the Soviet Union's bitch, and, uh, producing such great hockey players as Arturs Irbe and Sandis Ozolinsh. Okay, they're not very good. Latvia doesn't have a whole lot going for it. Do you really have to steal their thunder?

Great news though Latvians! You have a personal finance/inspirational blog that is going to make you forget about all those times you got crushed by an invading force. I don't even know why I'm announcing it to you guys. You probably know all about it. His name is Armands, and he is fucking nailing it. I mean, it just doesn't get any better than this post about watching the news. I'm going to try to make fun of it, but probably fail fucking miserably. It's just that good.

(I ran that last paragraph through the Sarcasm Detector 3000 (TM). It just exploded.)

I can’t see no normal reason why people should watch news.

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know! (Raises hand and waves it just like that keener everyone hated in high school)

People like to stay informed. There's been some pretty cool shit that's happened over the years. There's also been tales of unimaginable human tragedy. We've seen technology change the world, banks literally collapsing, plus countless other amazing stories. As the saying goes, "You can't make shit like this up."

If someone is informed about what's going on in the world, they can make adjustments in their lives. Heard about the Swine Flu? Sure, it's probably overblown, but who wouldn't want to know about a potentially lethal disease that's making the rounds?

What’s interesting there?

Anyone who watched the coverage during and immediately after the September 11th terrorist attacks can answer that question. We were all glued to our sets. That event was probably the most influential day since the Berlin Wall fell. What's interesting there? How about fucking everything?

Remember, when you were a kid you hated news.

I also hated girls. Now? Fucking love em. Can't get enough. Have you seen Jessica Alba? Holy fuck.

Also hated vegetables on my pizza, didn't really care for music, and was a really quiet kid who was actually too shy to ask the teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so he pissed his pants. Twice. This really happened.

Using hating something as a kid as a reason for not doing anything is pretty fucking stupid.

You see, when it is on evening news it is already history.

Maybe on shitty Latvian news. Here in North America, the news tells you what's going to happen the next day. Why don't more people use this information to their advantage? We like to be surprised, okay? We also ride around in hover cars, and have sex with whoever we want, whenever we want. Masturbation? What the fuck is that? Take that, fucking Latvia.

Argentina defaulted.

Your first example happened 7 fucking years ago! Are you guys just hearing about that?

10 000 people died.

Nobody wants to hear about that. Fuck em. Nobody liked those people anyway. Not even their moms.

Stock market went down like never before.

I don't even know why we even have the stock market. It's clear nobody gives a shit about it.

So? What’s the difference you know it or not?

Being informed is for fucking dumbasses! Really smart people know that the less you know, the better off you are.

Are you going to bring Argentina’s economy back, raise 10 000 people from the dead or somehow make the prices in NYSE go up bu [sic] watching TV?

Not just by watching tv. I also plan to send some sternly worded letters.

It just doesn’t matter anymore. It’s history.

Once shit has already happened, it doesn't matter anymore. Stop thinking about it completely.

I don't care if your Grandpa died. Doesn't fucking matter. The future is all that matters! Fuck the past!

And who makes your future? It’s YOU, not these guys in the news. They are not going to make you a million bucks. It’s either you, or no one.

Not going to make you a million bucks? Where the fuck did that come from?

Man vs. Debt! The battle of the Century!

My money is on debt, even though man is a huge favorite. I've got a good feeling about debt!

Regular reader Howard recently pointed me to a Simple Dollaresque (shut up, it's a word) frugal douche, who writes at Man vs. Debt. It's chock full of the usual frugal bullshit, until I found this diamond in the rough.

Yep, it's about peeing in the shower.

Peeing. In. The. Fucking. Shower.

Let's do this shit!

Welcome The Simple Dollar fans! Don’t forget to subscribe by RSS or E-mail while here!

This might be the worst thing he could have possibly started with. He could have said "I love ripping off otters' heads and fucking their necks", and I would probably hate him less than I do now. Nice start.

There’s a viral television ad campaign going on in Brazil right now. It’s the brainchild of SOS Mata Atlantica, a non-profit organization with the mission of preserving Brazil’s amazing rainforests.

Forgive me for sounding like a heartless prick, but I don't give two shits about Brazil's fucking rainforests. The only people who do are granola eating hippies who do stupid bullshit like chaining themselves to trees. Don't they realize we're all laughing at them?

Here’s the gist: Pee in the Shower… Save the Atlantic Rainforest.

As an aside, I once had a conversation with an ex-girlfriend, her sister and her Mom about peeing in the shower. And it turns out that I was the only one who hadn't done it. I was a shower virgin, so to speak. Nobody else seemed to have a problem with it. But, that family was fucking weird, so take that story with a grain of salt.

Anyway, peeing in the shower is fucking gross. You're peeing where you're standing. You're standing in your own pee. I don't care if the water is washing it down the drain. Some of it is still fucking there. I don't know about you, but I try to avoid pissing on myself. That's what separates us from the animals.

No really, they even broke down the numbers (1,157 gallons/year for each household)

When you stop to think about the numbers, they're really bullshit. The average toilet takes 1.6 gallons of water to flush. The average showerhead pumps out about 2.5 gallons a minute. That means that the same amount of water (1.6 gallons) is used in about 38.4 seconds (.64/60).

Time yourself next time you take your morning leak. I bet it takes about 38 seconds, including shaking. And if you commit to taking your morning piss in the shower, I bet the shower is going to be more than 38 seconds longer than usual, since you're going to be adding to your routine. Plus, if you're anything like me, you're probably going to make extra sure all the pee is washed down the drain before you get back to washing.

It’s so good, I actually just got done peeing in the shower for fun

And while we're at it, why don't we take a shit in the sink and puke in each other mouths?

The whole point of the post is supposed to be about resourcefulness. And I guess I can sort of see the point. Saying that, using pissing in the shower is a pretty fucking stupid example, especially when there are literally thousands of actual cool ideas out there.

Also, somebody remind Dog to buy some fucking toilet paper. Pretty soon, she's going to have to start wiping with all that extra cash they have kicking around.

Cool Shit!

There's some cool shit going on at No Communism!

Okay, not really. There's just stuff.

I'm now signed up on the twitter. Follow me at nocommunismblog. It'll be like here, but with even more cursing. I'll use it to tell you guys when new posts are up, or random thoughts about shit, and even the occasional bitching out of something that deserves it.

I also have a new email address for the thousands of hot chicks who like to send me topless pics. It's nocommunismblog@gmail.com. Some other fucker already had nocommunism, so that's what I was stuck with.

I might even try to post more often. I wouldn't hold your breath though.

That's about it. If you're feeling generous, go give Dog a couple of bucks. She needs it.