The Best Friend Ever

Great news everyone!

No, I'm not stopping blogging forever. It just seems like it after approximately 342 weeks of not posting. Sorry about your luck on this one.

Nope, this is even better. Set your faces to stun.

You can become a "friend" of the Simple Dollar!

Holy shit.

Holy shit you guys.

Can you believe the opportunity I have?!?!?!?!?!?

Basically, someone signs up to get a monthly(ish) email asking them to fill out a survey, or voting on a book cover design, or something like that. Trent is basically doing market research on his readers. Smart idea, really.

He also says: "On occasion, I might send out something special to the list to show my appreciation for your help, too."

Hopefully it's more info on making your own laundry detergent.

Yes people, I'll be back with more real content soon. Some of it will blow your fucking minds.

And since you've been so patient, here's a scantily clad picture of Ivanka Trump for your enjoyment. Boners up fellas!

CONTRAry To Sucking...

...Is awesomeness!

No time to talk about how witty that title is. Benj Gallander is on the Market Call.

- OMG! He's wearing a dress shirt! And a tie! Sigh...

- Past picks are getting the shit kicked out of them. It's okay Benj. I still love you.

- Benj thinks "there are a lot of difficulties ahead". Thanks a lot, Buzz Killington.

- Every time Benj comes on the show Michael Hainsworth asks him to predict where something will be in a year, and every time Benj basically tells him what a stupid question it is. Today is no exception.

- Michael Hainy just threw out a Halloween reference. Seriously. Fuck.

- John from Waterloo asks about Magic Software. Benj sees a huge gain in the future and likes the company a bunch.

- Once again, Mikey H asks about a 1 year target. How many times do we have to go through this?

- Mikey doesn't like the vague timeline for the Contra Picks to reach their target prices. He can go fuck himself.

- Some douche named Larry wants to know about stop loss orders and whether Contra would short the Canadian banks.

- Benj will sell a company if they lose confidence, but won't use stop losses. The reason is if you still like a stock, why sell it just because it reaches some arbitrary number?

- Benj doesn't like how bank insiders are cashing out their options. He prefers bank preferreds. See what I did there?

- Market Call is on the Twitter kids!

- Some Twitter guy wants to short the TSX. Benj likes the play, but is a little scared of shorting.

- John from Halifax is interested in natural gas. Benj likes it. He likes Pengrowth, Harvest or True Energy. Their balance sheets are pretty ugly though.

- Some guy is asking about Angiotech. The same company that's up an easy 1000% since the end of the year. It remains on the Contra watch list, but they're really not that interested.

- Question of Noveco, saying it's may be a good play because they're a Swine Flu play. They've done a lot of takeovers and are currently losing money. Benj isn't interested.

- John from Missisaga wants to know about silver as a monetary investment. Ah, one of these crazy guys. Buy gold and silver! The world is coming to an end! I hate those morons.

- Benj thinks he's stupid too. He was just nicer about it.

- Kind of a pointless question about shorting the TSX 60 versus the whole index. I didn't even care enough to pay attention to the answer.

- Past pick #1 is Intertape Polymer. It's recovered nicely from the lows and Benj still likes it.

- Past pick #2 is Analysis International. Still like it too.

- Past pick #3 is Integrated Silicon. No debt, and very profitable. They like it.

- Onto part two of the program. Let's home for more Benj and less of the Hainy douche.

- The volume is higher on the second half of the show. This is annoying.

- Question is on Denison Mines. They liked it, but didn't do well when they bought it before. He seems to like it, but kind of a shit poor answer. Don't worry Benj, No Communism still loves ya!

- Question is on Magna. He hates Frank Stronach's pay and actually wants to fight him. Kick his ass Benj!

- He called him greedy! Them's fighting words!

- Benj doesn't like the program where the government pays people to turn in their old cars.

- Once again, a bad joke from Hainy. Benj should fight him.

- Pat from Kamloops has a question about pulp and paper. It's getting the shit kicked out of it. Benj thinks the sector will eventually come back, but he doesn't have any particular picks.

- Jim Pattison is investing in pulp and paper. I can totally imagine Jim Pattison as that crazy old guy yelling at people to get off his lawn.

- Benj likes Brookfield Asset Management, but wants to buy it at a lower price.

- Some guy named Tony just congratulated Market Call on being a most informative show. Not really the best choice of words Tony.

- His question is on Consumer's Waterheater. Benj is giving it an official thumb sideways.

- Benj does like Yellow Pages though.

- Question is on Viterra. Contra owns it and has done well on it. He's a little scared of an Australian takeover. Apparently a dingo once ate his baby.

- Once again, Hainy with a 12 month reference. Next time, we're doing an over/under on how many times he says it. It's set at 4.5.

- Benj is pretty positive on Zarlink. It's been on a tear lately, but isn't making money.

- Fuck! Another 12 month reference. Why does he keep doing this?

- A question from Twitter. Does Benj find himself being more or less contrarian since the whole fuckup of the system? Basically, he's just the same as always. Except this time, he wore a tie.

- Top pick time. Hey, what happened to the market call minute?

- 3com is top pick #1. They have 1.2b in revenue and 220m in cash. They're making a bit on money and Benj likes the sector. He likes the takeover potential and sees a double or triple. It is up quite a bit from the lows however.

- Macquarie Power and Infastructure Fund is top pick #2. He thinks the distribution will be cut soon and will take the unit price south with it.

- Hartco is top pick #3. They converted to a corporation and stopped paying the distribution. The chairman is buying stock lately and Benj thinks the company will become profitable with not having to pay the distribution.

And we're gone! I promise, I'll be back to making fun of shitty blogs soon.

Yet Another Steaming Turd From The Simple Douche

Before we get started making fun of Trent the Frugaldouche, I just want to draw everyone's attention to the newest bitch post from Dog. I may shit on it later, or I might not. I'm really kind of lazy that way.

Anyhoo, this steaming turd from The Simple Dollar is a few months old, and I can't believe I haven't made fun of it for this long. Let's do it!

Yesterday morning, my son and I were in the bathroom cleaning.

Polishing their wieners! Ha ha!

I noticed that we were almost out of toilet paper. My son went to retrieve some (he may only be three years old, but he knows how to change the toilet paper roll! I’m so proud.)

I'm enjoying the mental image of Trent ordering his kid to go get more toilet paper. It's even funnier if you picture him slapping the kid around a little bit. Go ahead, try it... See! Told ya!

and while he was getting the paper, I quickly used the toilet, using the remaining toilet paper - about nine squares of it or so.

Who only uses 9 sheets? Does he only wipe 3 times? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Does he not enjoy a clean ass? Or does saving 1.24 cents trump that?

Smell that? Yeah, that's Trent's stinky ass.

No word on whether his kid walked in on him taking a shit, but I think it's a pretty safe guess to assume he did. Is it really too much to ask for him to hold it until he knew his kid wasn't coming back? Did he have the shits?

Also, the pedophile jokes just write themselves.

When my son came back, he saw that the toilet paper roll was now empty and he actually admonished me about it. “You used all of that toilet paper, Dad? I only use one piece.”

Trent is going to take tips on wiping his ass from his three year old kid. Let's think about this for a minute.

I hope that kid washes his hands after wiping with only one piece, cause if I know Trent, that's going to be the cheapest, scratchiest shit ticket of all time.

We washed our hands (since we were done in the bathroom) and joked about how much paper I had used, but after a bit, I began to think more carefully about his comment. Did I really need to use that much toilet paper?

I can't believe this guy actually spends time thinking about this shit. It's fucking toilet paper. It costs like 20 cents a roll.

So I tried a little experiment for the day.

This ought to be good.

Whenever I went to use something of varying quantity - salt, toothpaste, pepper, salsa - I strove to try to figure out the minimum amount that I could use and still get full enjoyment and utility out of the situation.

Yeah people! Don't you realize the horrible financial consequences of using too much toothpaste! That's why Mike Tyson isn't rich anymore.

And pepper? That shit's expensive! It's like 3 cents a serving. That's some serious cash!

Remember, this is the same guy who finances his new car.

Take pepper, for starters.

Pepper. The silent wealth killer.

Instead of simply grinding away over the soup we had for lunch,

Huh huh uh uh huh. You said grinding.

I tasted it first, added just two grinds of pepper, stirred, tried it again, and found that I liked the taste.

Oh. We're still talking about pepper.

Pepper is the reason for 76% of all world poverty. If it wasn't for pepper, we'd all be rich as fuck.

What about toothpaste?

Yeah! That shit's more expensive than crack.

I put just a tiny bit on my brush, spread it over the bristles, and started brushing. Almost immediately, I had a nice bit of foam in my mouth and my teeth felt wonderfully clean afterwards.

Right after he typed that sentence, Trent officially lost any chance of getting laid that night. Which is really too bad, since he had a giant boner after saving 1.5 cents worth of toothpaste. Instead, he rubbed one off while doing a cost analysis of homemade pizza versus Dominos.

Instead of grabbing two or three Kleenexes to blow my nose, why not just grab one and use it until I absolutely can’t use it any more, then get another if I need it?

I don't know... Maybe because that's fucking gross.

What I’ve found is this: you’d be shocked how much less you can use during a day without sacrificing any quality.

Ga ga ga goink!!!!!!! (Smacks palm against forehead)

There are so many disposable and consumable things that we use in our lives, even if we’re careful about it.

All of which cost about 20 cents a day. Worrying about shit like that is stupid.

Taking the time to “reset” our expectations on how much we have to use can pay great dividends

Not if you focus on stupid shit like toothpaste.

Next up from the Simple Dollar: A cost analysis on the benefits of deodorant (hint: it's not worth the money and you can easily make your own)

not only are we directly saving money by consuming less (and thus not having to replace these consumables as often), we’re also changing our expectations.

Which must be pretty fucking low since you're talking about Kleenex.

Some of the comments of the post argue that dissenters like me don't realize that the original post is talking about the big picture of using less. I suppose they have a point, except they're missing one important thing: that everything in the post was just fucking stupid. Saving money on toilet paper simply doesn't matter, and some stupid cost analysis of it is just bullshit.

This is why I can't stand the Simple Dollar.

To Be Blunt...

...Blunt Money is kinda stupid. It wavers between watered down stupid and obvious. I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around the appetite for personal finance blogs that talk about the same obvious shit over and over again.

Oh, and calling it Blunt Money is kinda like calling this blog The Happy Other Blog Love Hour. It's not very appropriately named.

So without further adieu, I present the high quality post of Avoiding Debt by everybody's favorite pointer out of obviousness, Blunt Money. At least it isn't named after a dog.

Looking back, it seems to me it would have been a whole lot easier not to have gotten into debt in the first place, instead of getting into debt and struggling to get out.

It "seems" to you? Holy shit. It seems? Ya fucking think? Great start.

If you’ve never been in debt, I’d like to hear from you. What helped you avoid it? If you’re like me and did get into debt, what do you think would have helped?

If you've never been in any sort of debt, you are either a) an imaginary person or b) some sort of freakish personal finance God. The fact is that everybody ends up in debt at one time or an other. It just depends on what they use the debt for. Buying a house? Generally a good idea. Buying hookers for the Shamwow guy? Probably not so much. (Also, topical!)

Stop generally labeling debt as a bad thing to be avoided at all costs. Consumer debt should be avoided. But student loans or mortgages? Those are perfectly legitimate.

Here’s what I think would have helped me:

I can hardly wait!!!!!!!!!!! Here comes the good shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everybody shut the hell up!

Hindsight is 20/20, but I’ve always felt that debt was bad — even as a kid. I saw the stress it brought to people, so I never wanted to borrow money.

Uhhhh.... kay?

But somehow, I borrowed money anyway.

I'm sorry everybody. I thought there was some good stuff coming. Instead we get this. Go ahead and leave. I understand.

You're still here? Way to listen to directions, dumbass.

People borrow money because it's a means to get the shit that we want. It's not like it's on our to do list when we wake up in the morning.

Things to Do Today (Ranked in order of importance)
1) Go to work
2) Order a pizza for dinner
3) Get laid tonight
4) Watch the baseball game
5) Make fun of shitty blogs
6) Get into debt
7) Drive to Houston to give the finger to Dog
8) Move out of my mother's basement

I think part of the problem was that I didn’t really have a good definition of what debt actually was.

That's everybody's problem! They don't know what debt is! That's a perfectly reasonable argument.

Maybe that sounds dumb, but that’s how it was.

Maybe it sounds dumb? Maybe?!?!?! Not only is it completely fucking retarded, it's also a complete bullshit reason for getting into debt and a pretty annoying pity party.

Please continue though. I'm a big fan.

I thought that debt meant putting something on a credit card and then not paying it back right away, or borrowing money to go to college.

That's exactly what the fuck it means. It's hardly a complete definition, but it's a good start.

So I didn’t do either of those (at least not until I’d already gotten into debt using other methods.)


Somehow I didn’t realize that debt also happened when my dad went out and bought a part for my car, and told me to pay him back.

You didn't realize that if you owed someone money, then you had a debt? Unless you're borderline retarded, I don't buy that argument at all. It's pure horseshit from a post that's pretty much all horseshit.

These are the types of people who are educating a lot of people on personal finance. No wonder we're in such bad shape.

I can't handle this anymore. I swear, I'm going to have a fucking stroke.

I also didn’t really think about it that having a car payment meant being in debt. (Just look at how “having a car payment” is phrased, if you want to know why I didn’t give it much thought.)

Just for shits a giggles, I looked up the definition of a payment in that book that we look up the definitions for things in. Here's what it said:

1. The act of paying, or giving compensation; the discharge of a debt or an obligation.

I really don't think it's much of a stretch for a younger Blunt Money to be able to wrap her head around that.

I thought that making payments was just how everyone bought cars, unless they were buying a junker to fix up.

I used to think that the Ninja Turtles lived in the sewers and that my friends and I actually saw a UFO. We all "used to" think some pretty stupid shit.

Of course, I knew intellectually that I was borrowing the money. It just didn’t sink in emotionally.

I've got nothing. That's just incredibly stupid.

But now I have a much cleaner definition of debt:

Thank god! Couldn't get much worse.

Debt is when you don’t have the money to pay for something right that second, and you buy it anyway.

We had to endure that rambling bullshit post to come to that obvious conclusion?

uoadfskjlgdfsh;lgksjg;lksh;ldsk

(Five days later)

Turns out I had a massive stroke. Sorry about that. Where were we Blunty?

One of the most important steps in getting out of debt for me was just waiting until I had the cash to buy something.

jag;ldsghlsgdhalg;g sfgaskjlgas

(14 days later)

My doctor has advised me to stop this line of discussion.

Yet Another Terrible Blog Named After A Dog

So it's Saturday night, and instead of being somewhere working on getting laid, I'm at home watching Religulous and reading shitty personal finance blogs. Naturally, I'm a little pissed off. So, Money Beagle, prepare for an even worse shitting on than I usually dish out. This week's crap is bitching about the US credit card companies response to some proposed changes.

A couple of notes before I get into it. First of all, the Canadian Personal Finance Blog's post called New Credit Card Rules Good, But... could easily be shatted upon rather than Money Beagle. It's just as bad, and chances are I'll give that blog the ass kicking it deserves some day. Just not today.

And secondly, I'm shitting on Money Beagle. As in a breed of a dog. A DOG. Get it? I just want to clear up for the record that I really don't hate dogs, I just don't think they should be allowed to have blogs.

Now onto the fun.

MSNBC and other outlets are reporting that credit card companies are prepared to react to the legislation being proposed that would restrict their ability to charge what Congress calls excessive rates and fees to those borrowers who have risky credit. This would result in lower revenue for the credit card companies.

Congress turned out to pass sort of a watered down version of the legislation. Just to get that out of the way.

The reaction of the credit card companies is to target another group, namely the type of borrowers who pay their credit cards every month. The credit card companies justify targetting this group by saying that people who use their cards with no annual fees, paying them off, while collecting rewards along the way do not add value to the bottom line.

Look, nobody thinks that credit card companies make nothing off those people. That's just fucking stupid. It's just that they don't make very much. These people are kind of the credit card equivalent of that frugal knob who gets a side of fries and a glass of tap water at a restaurant, cause he's too fucking cheap to get an actual meal.

I'm just going out on a limb here, but I bet Money Beagle has done that.

Among their proposals:

...

And my personal favorite: Charging interest from the day of the transaction regardless of whether the customer has paid off their card every month

Okay, I'll admit this is kind of a stupid idea. I'm pretty sure that they're not really serious about this, it's just posturing.

If they actually do follow through on this (which they won't, but just stay with me for a sec) then wouldn't those people just stop using the fucking card? Then, the credit card company would be free to charge more to their best customers. Sounds like a pretty good fucking business plan to me.

I think that the claim that they don’t make money off those people is baloney.

It's almost like they have other customers than the ones who pay off every cent of their balance every month.

Fuck. Okay, I'm only going to explain this one more time. If you force a company to make less profit on their best customers (minimum balance payers) then a logical course of action would be to make more money on your worst customers (people who don't pay a dime in interest and get rewards besides). This is what the kids call common fucking sense.

Remember, credit card companies charge the merchants 2-3% of the transaction cost. Even if they pay rewards that equal 1.0-1.5% of the transaction costs, they’re still pocketing half of what they collect from the merchants.

Ah, the old gross margin argument. I like how it completely ignores any expenses the company might have. I expected more from a blog named after a dog. Once again, you've failed to even get close to my expectations. For shame.

I guess credit card companies are willing to play chicken with people who pay their cards off every month, not realizing that they will simply lose 100% of their profits, instead of keeping the 50% that they get right now.

FUCK. I'm not going to respond to this again.

If you're any indication of us who pay off our balances each month, I don't blame them for wanting us gone.

I wish the credit card companies would realize what the rest of the country has been living through for quite some time: We are in a recession.

RINGGG!!!

Hello?

Is this Robert W. Selander, CEO of Mastercard?

Yeah. Who's this?

It's Nelson, from that awesome blog No Communism

Oh, hey Nelson. What's up?

I just read something in Money Beagle that I wanted to share with you.

Sure. What is it?

We're apparently in a recession.

Really?

Yeah.

Holy shit. Are you sure? This is the first I've heard.

I think you should just assume it's true. Money Beagle is a pretty smart dude.

Thanks Nelson. By the way, when are you going to pay your bill?

Uhh... [Click]

That means we’re making less money. Times are tougher. We have to make sacrificies and even then, realize that our net worths have gone down and will probably increase at a smaller rate than they did in the past.

Geez. I bet Money Beagle is a bummer at parties.

Once again, I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure they don't give two shits about that.

Why can’t credit card companies accept that they’ll just make less money instead of acting like this move will send them into the poorhouse.

Yeah! Just fucking accept that you'll make less money! Just bend over and take it in the ass! Don't bother to make business changes that will maximize your profitability! Only fucking dumbasses would do something like that! Stupidheads!

Yes, credit card companies have to answer to shareholders, and shareholders like higher profits. But, since most of the credit card companies are attached to banks, banks that have seen huge dips in profits and stock values, is it really going to send investors reeling if credit card companies cut their profit forecasts in half?

There's always that one statement that's just the icing on the cake. In this case, it's a whole paragraph.

Which credit card company is attached to a bank? Mastercard? Visa? American Express? Discover? If a credit card company was "attached" to a bank, why would it trade under its own ticker symbol?

Also, if you bothered to research the fucking topic, you'd have discovered that credit card companies are viewed by the market as just the facilitators of the system, while the issuing financial institution carrying the underlying debt. (With the notable exception of American Express who carries the debt themselves)

And yes, it will send investors reeling if credit card companies have to cut their profits in half! You're going to make HALF as much money as you told investors you would. They're going to be a little bit excited about such a shitty performance.

Because that’s what it boils down to. Credit card companies know full well that they’ll be able to stay in business and make money even if the legislation passes, but they also know that they won’t be able to rake in record profits anymore.

Yeah fuckers! Money Beagle is in charge of your profits now! Sorry about your luck.

I also like how deeply offended on a personal level this guy is. Does he jerk off over his reward points or something? He's really taking this thing personally. I half expect him to burst into tears.

Well, guess what, credit card companies? It’s time to join the club! Americans have lost money on their houses, have had to pay much more for food and gasoline, have had retirements cut while health care costs are going up. In other words, the exact thing that you (credit card companies) are trying to fight off is something that the real world has been dealing with for awhile now.

Credit card companies have to deal with congress changing the fucking rules during a god damn credit crisis! It's not all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows for them right now. Plus there's that whole issue of higher defaults, thanks to the economy being the shits.

It’s time to suck it up and join the club. Yes, you might only be reporting quarterly profits of $500 million now instead of $1 billion, but somehow I think the sun will still rise. I think you’ll be able to make it on that ’shoestring budget’.

Three paragraphs ago, Dumbass Beagle claims that banks and credit card companies are linked, and that bank have seen "huge dips in profit" and then says that the credit card companies are ridiculously profitable. Nicely done doucher.

Look pal, this isn't fucking socialism. A company doesn't owe it to you to make less money just because you think they charge too much. Sometimes the world doesn't conform to what the fuck you want it to.

I know Money Beagle's mad because he might have to pay extra to earn his horseshit reward points. Maybe instead of jumping to conclusions with bullshit blog posts, he could just not give a shit like the rest of the world.

Shit. I'm so worked up I can't even jerk off. Thanks a lot shitbrick.